Doctors' Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely-fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
Once a year, folks from all walks of life find themselves waking in the middle of the night to an inexplicable autumnal energy flowing across time and space, telling them the time has come. The annual people-watching state championship, otherwise known as the North Carolina State Fair, has arrived.
If for some reason you haven’t gone to the N.C. State Fair yet, perhaps because you traded your opportunity to feast on deep-fried Krispy Kreme burgers for a good ol’ tailgate at this year’s truly subpar (the two dozen attendees might even say downright underwhelming) Homecoming game, then never fear: the deep-fried Krispy Kreme Burger will still be waiting for you this weekend. That’s right folks, the N.C. State Fair, in all its deep-fried, sugary packaging, is still in town. And it’s only at the N.C. State Fair that you can learn a thing or two about college and maybe life. If you’re majoring in animal husbandry, you can probably learn dozens of things.
At the N.C. State Fair, everyone’s a winner. Except, that is, for all the money you spend on fried cookie dough, the subsequent stomach issues, the reappearing fear of any theme park attractions that suspend you upside down that you thought you’d gotten rid of when you were nine and the animals that live less than desirable lives even if they’ve earned a pretty ribbon. What a time to be alive and at the N.C. State Fair.
But if your time at the N.C. State Fair isn’t as grandiose as you’d hoped, you can always just hum a little ditty or jingle to summon your N.C. State Fair-y Godmother. No, that’s not just the lady who’s selling homemade pies out the back of her van, and no, it’s not suspicious that no one’s ever seen the two of them in the same place at the same time.
Have fun — hey, have the time of your life, for all we care — just make sure you’re back at Elon before midnight. Nothing good happens at the N.C. State Fair after midnight. But if you have a horrible time and need another faux-traditional fall activity to satisfy that craving for pumpkin spice and unnecessary neck wrappings — scarves, people — you have other options.
And in case you’re one of those rare types who reads the Opinions section of The Pendulum hoping to score a recommendation on a quality corn maze, Ken’s Korny Corn Maze is the happiest place on Earth, provided that list is restricted to solely corn mazes.