Doctors' Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely-fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
We are on the eve of great change in the United States. “The Daily Show” has a new host (don’t worry, Jon Stewart just went out for a pack of cigarettes. He’ll be back in no time). There’s an election next November, which apparently started last January, and there have already been so many gaffes that Mitt Romney’s 47 percent comment wouldn’t even make headlines.
So, in that respect, maybe “The Daily Show” will be fine, Stewart or no Stewart. But as “The Daily Show” generation, we owe it to Jon Stewart to get involved and make a difference in our world.
Let’s start small. Are you registered to vote? Well, you’d better be, because we Millennials will represent the largest voting block for the first time ever. We’ve heard the tired statistics about how apathetic, disillusioned and politically disengaged we are as a generation. Well, it’s time to stick it to the man, so to speak, by participating in the man’s system.
Vote — if only to snub the stereotype. Vote — to irritate an old person. You know how the Baby Boomers are at fault for most of the crap we’ve got to deal with? Now it’s our turn to be at fault for new, fresh crap. But it’ll be our crap. We can put our crap on the mantle next to the participation ribbons our parents gave us and now use to blame us for being “self-absorbed.”
We could use our voting power to enact monumental, historic changes for our culture and society at large. We could bring back “Firefly.” We could collectively outlaw the fourth season of “Arrested Development.” We could even have policies that don’t have to do with television if we really put our heads together.
Think big. Think about the reinvention of the two-party system. Instead of Democrats vs. Republicans, let’s draw the rivalry down more decisive lines: Apple vs. Microsoft. Netflix vs. Hulu. (For what it’s worth, it seems like everyone who uses Hulu also has Netflix, but not the other way around. Hmm.) Those who use emojis ironically vs. those who still don’t understand the meaning of ironic.
When we’re in charge of the Hill, we’ll lobby through YikYak and filibuster with Netflix marathons. Most of our collective understanding of politics comes from “House of Cards” and “The West Wing,” anyway. None of this is a criticism of the Millennial generation, by the way. Things are going to be just as gridlocked when we’re running things, but at least we’ll have more fun.
And we’ll do a good enough job to avoid disappointing the pope when he visits again. We were pretty disappointed that, despite our best efforts, Pope Francis didn’t visit Elon University during his time in the U.S., since it would have been practice for when we’re Senate-approved.
But during his short time in our country, he inspired the kind of change we want to see come from our generation.
He convinced the Speaker of the House to resign and then announced a progressive rock album. We can only imagine if the pope came to our campus.
His Holiness could have gotten Leo Lambert to drop a sick featured verse on a “Twisted Measure” song and convinced whoever the Phoenix-equivalent of Boehner is to step down.
If you’re not going to vote for yourself, or your country, or for the Netflix and chill marathons, then do it for your pope. He’s a pretty dope guy. Be the change your pope can believe in. Be the type of baby he’d want to give a big, wet Catholic smooch.