Doctors' Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely-fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
The start of school has a curious effect on the Phoenix student body. We here at Doctor’s Orders have this theory that seniors eventually build immunity to return-to-school-itis, whereas freshmen experience the full brunt force of the plague. Here are some of the trends we’re seeing on our first day back.
Freshmen: This iteration is the only Elon they’ve ever known. What McEwen parking? What Moseley parking? What is parking, anyway? Mount McEwen is more than just a big pile o’ dirt: It’s an inspiration. They don’t care, as long as they can Instagram their new collegiate home with #mostbeautifulcampus.
Seniors: To you, the current Future Communications Building is little more than an inconvenient eyesore serving as a reminder that the knowledge you’ve gained and the degree you started four years ago will already be irrelevant in your field. Get ready, you’ll be spammed with emails soon enough begging you to contribute to the building of more brick-spawn after this temple of wealth is completed.
Elon’s Most Beautiful Campus status
Freshmen: So young, so pure, so innocent that their Elon pride blinds them to anything less than the best. With a nationalistic fervor, they need so badly to have validation that their choice of campus isn’t just a pretty, beautiful botanical garden but in fact the single most beautiful place on our green Earth. A missing brick? Artistic aesthetic. Cue the creative filters and slap that on your timeline.
Seniors: At this point, seniors have seen this clickbait list make the rounds every year. And every year, people lose their minds over it, smothering your social media timeline with the Most Beautiful Campus fanfare. But it’s made up. It’s just a made-up list from a made-up publication designed to go viral off people who don’t know any better. Seniors just want this self-congratulatory Elon myth to die, once and for all. There are plenty of real things to be proud of Elon for.
Freshmen: Whether they’re starting their nights or ending them here, the freshman swarm is guaranteed to stampede this Elon tradition to the ground. Late Night, for freshmen, is just so college, more college than classes or hangovers or football games. Maybe if people tailgated with tots the games would be as crowded and terrifying as Late Night around midnight.
Seniors: Legend has it that Late Night used to be held in upstairs McEwen, and it was glorious. There was a time when crusty golden tots had their appeal, and the queasy post-tot sweats in the middle of the night were worth it. Those days are a relic of the past. Maybe a few brave, nostalgic seniors will revisit the hallowed halls of McEwen before the year is over, but most of them have moved on. The only Late Night these seniors indulge in is one with Seth Meyers.