Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely-fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
Spring at Elon is a time of rain, change, procrastination and, according to legend, preparation for finals. It’s also a time when every student on campus is scrambling to arrange their time in an effort to get the most out of their Elon experience before it’s too late.
The problem is we have more Phoenix than spots in classes to register for, and that’s assuming you can decipher the lists of strange, vaguely comprehensible course titles and the seemingly arbitrarily assigned course numbers. Or enter the game early enough, lest all the good options get swiped from underneath you — like last week, when the food trucks came and the lines were unbearable.
But it’s important that we remember the food trucks were just a one-time deal. The school is already in a committed relationship with Aramark — though who knows if SUB might ask the food trucks to go out with them again in the parking lot.
But you know what isn’t a one-time deal? What’s sticking around for good? Registration. Once you’re locked in, you’re locked in. A little less strictly before (good riddance, Drop/Add Day) but locked in, nonetheless.
Before registration, you can see every potential schedule and every potential future semester that comes with them. You’re like Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar. After registration, you’re either victorious and willing to ride that positive wave through finals or you’re resigned to a schedule that will have you explaining why a non-lab elective that’s not for credit is “just what your career plan needs” to rebrand your “portfolio.”
Registration is a lot like the moment before you descend into the thicket of food truck enthusiasts crowding the Moseley parking lot. As you round the bend, leaving the library behind you, and glimpse the food trucks up ahead, your mouth salivates and your heart soars. You’ve heard so many good things about those stuffed potatoes.
But that’s before you get closer and realize the stuffed-potato line is wrapped around the parking lot two times. Let’s get real: you won’t get those potatoes. You’re stuck. You have to settle for dumplings. But wait, there’s a mob around the dumpling truck. Maybe burritos then. You try to fight your way through the crowd, but you don’t have the constitution for this kind of dog-eat-dog world, for the violence, the hungry snapping jaws of your peers, the elbows-in-faces.
That’s registration for you — and the thing about registration is that it demands to be felt.
Those who braved the food trucks and got their stuffed potatoes know how to beat the system. They got the cool classes and free Fridays. The best you can do if you’re on the latter end of the registration
frenzy is prepare for next time. Skip class, for example, to cut the sycophants in line and get the potatoes
you deserve. Valar morghulis and all that. (Some of
you might not get that reference. Preserve
and cherish your sweet innocence while you can.)
Hey, speaking of Game of Thrones, anyone else watch the premiere or any of the other five episodes that leaked? Elon is a lot like Westeros if you think about it, especially during formal season. Everyone’s divvying themselves among formal groups. Loyalties are shifting. Fridays look like a walk around King’s Landing. Try not to feel underdressed if you get stuck between formal groups. You know, like a right proper group, innit? Not a de facto group but something more de jure.
It really would be best to just choose one and stick with it though, lest you get punted out and you’re stuck wasting away on an ice wall for the rest of your life until you die a sad, cold death by White Walker.
Maybe we should just cut to the chase and have an organization throw a Game of Thrones-themed formal while we’ve still got any Greek life left. Since we’re on our way to Or better yet, Food Truck Formal. Dress as your favorite food truck delicacy or even the truck itself. Pre-game on a Food Truck. Carpool in a food truck.The possibilities are endless, as long as you get to the front of the line.
And if you beat us to registration, save us something good.