Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
This past week, the Elon University Student Union Board sent out the list of potential artists for our Fall 2015 Homecoming Concert. If you haven’t voted yet, you should take care of that. There are a lot of cool bands on the list including Walk the Moon, Young the Giant, Panic! at the Disco and MisterWives, who can all put on one heck of a show. As can Fall Out Boy, despite the fact that they’re laughably out of our budget.
But what if there was a way for us to have our cake, eat it and then have some more cake without having to wait 10 minutes to swipe back into the dining hall? In case that metaphor wasn’t totally clear, the cake is music.
You know who might be the perfect headliner for our Fall Concert? Kanye West. Think about it.
It’s no secret Kanye West wants to be the next Walt Disney, Steve Jobs or one of those fashion designers us mere mortals don’t recognize. It’s also no secret Kanye is a big fan of Tesla CEO Elon Musk. Also a matter of public record: Elon University is only the second most relevant ‘Elon’ in the world.
If we can convince Kanye that the prestige of the Elon name has in some way rubbed off of Mr. Musk and onto our school, maybe Kanye will agree to perform. Let’s rename West dormitory in his honor and invite Kanye to the commemoration. He’ll be thrilled to know the building has been a testament to his legacy for more than a century.
But what if that’s not enough to convince the voice of a generation to perform at lil’ ol’ ‘lon? And at a bailout-level discount? Let’s put Elon’s most talented creatives to the task. Call on the Kanye Wests of our own campus, if you will. Pause the Lumen scholarships, see if someone can get Neil deGrasse Tyson on the phone.
Some of you might be worried that Elon’s student body is too white for Kanye West. That’s a little presumptuous of you, but luckily Kanye is more concerned with classism these days. And Elon is positively oozing with classism. Classism out the wazoo. More classism than actual classes, and that’s the Elon Guarantee.
Yeezus, we humbly come to you on this day to ask you to grace us with your presence and give Elon University the most historic concert it could ever hope for. There are those among us — the truly faithful of your
flock — who have followed your word since “College Dropout.”
Now, years later, our lives have taken us here, to a school where the past few hip-hop shows have been so bad that this hyperbolic, satirical column will attribute them to actually causing college dropouts. B.o.B.’s concert was shut down due to noise complaints and Ludacris arrived late enough to phone in a few verses and remind us to see Fast 7, in theaters now.
Save us, Kanye West. You’re our only hope.