Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
The world-famous Neil deGrasse Tyson is coming to Elon University as the 2015 Spring Convocation speaker. You’re probably not going to see him in person, though.
Maybe you were lucky enough to get a ticket during the 15 minutes they were available. After that, signs were posted that may as well have said, “If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late.”
Oh, you were in class when the tickets were released? Better luck next year, when we might be fortunate enough to book some guy from a podcast you’ve never listened to, or perhaps a journalist whose work you’re not familiar with.
Maybe Elon University will save money by asking Brian Williams back for Convocation 2016. He will probably still need the work, and we’ve already sworn him our allegiance. No matter who we pick next year, it’s not going to be as great as Neil. Trust us.
This year’s Convocation is go big or go home, and most of us didn’t get a choice. We’re diagnosing everyone who didn’t get a ticket but wanted one with FOMOCOSMOS — the fear of missing out on experiences as stellar as a stellar speech from the host of COSMOS. Should have skipped class, suckers.
You can still enjoy the livestream, though, if you’re interested in missing out on the most relevant part of Convocation — the fact that Neil deGrasse Tyson will be on campus, in the flesh. If you’ll be “attending” convocation through the livestream, why stop there? You can “attend” many other great events, like any of the millions of Neil deGrasse Tyson clips available online, or classics like Woodstock or even George W. Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” speech (OK, you caught us — we’re just looking for any possible way to remind you that Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq War).
Maybe start “attending” class via livestream, too. We don’t really know why we haven’t started doing that anyway. We go to class in pajamas already, so there’s no point in leaving the bedroom. It’s all the same, right, Elon? That’s why you released the tickets during class, because you knew it wouldn’t matter if someone ditched their education to snatch a seat at Convocation... for their education. Tricky mind game you’re playing, Elon, but we’re onto you.
Some of you suffering from FOMOCOSMOS probably won’t settle for the livestream because you recognize that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Or you don’t know how to work a livestream yet because you have a TV on campus and haven’t had to stream episodes of “Empire” to avoid spoilers. Or you’re one of Neil’s groupies. Whatever your reason, you’re feeling pretty hopeless right now. In that case, you have two options:
1. Break into Convocation.
2. Kidnap Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Neither of these options are what we would call legal. But you couldn’t get tickets. Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you’re fond of option one, we suggest watching the Spy Kids series for tips and tricks. Or maybe Totally Spies reruns.
If you’re a fan of option two, leave Elon. You have bigger issues we don’t have time to attend to. Seek professional help. Stop watching all of those “Taken” movies (Thankfully, Liam Neeson says he’s gonna stop making them, so he won’t contribute anymore to the unhealthy glamorization of kidnapping).