Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
It’s that time of year again.
No, that other time of year — the time when the job recruiters venture out of the real world and into the bubble to size students up like the top pig at an anachronistic county fair, not unlike the one featured in Charlotte’s Web. But you’re not just some pig, you’re Some Pig. A pig of significance. Pignificance.
Well, Wilbur, we’ve got some bad news for you. Life isn’t always like E.B. White’s classic novel about communism. In fact, life is a lot more like the movie adaptation. And not the classic one — the 2006 remake starring Dakota Fanning. Sure, everyone says nice things about it if it comes up in conversation, but secretly we’re all just settling for what we’re given. Is a Charlotte’s Web film entitled to more than 78 percent on Rotten Tomatoes? Maybe not. But what hope is there if not for something greater?
To be honest, 78 percent is better than we expected though it’s kind of hard to throw shade at a movie with a score that high. But as an Elon student, you’re probably aiming for higher than 78 percent. And your potential employers definitely are, which is the whole reason we started this column, before we got sidetracked with the whole pig thing. Reread Charlotte’s Web though — seriously, what a book.
The point is, you need a Charlotte to help you stand out among the rest of the pigs. We’re gonna be your Charlotte today and spell out some helpful advice so you don’t get struck by the interview blues, or get burned out by the application process.
All you have to do is remember three easy steps: P.I.G.
P: Put your best foot forward. Smile and get ready to open the door to a world of opportunity and happy emoticons.
I: Impersonate reasonable human behavior. Potential employers want to know that you’re a competent and mostly functioning person. Rest assured they’ll run the usual checklist to make sure you’re not a serial killer, a robot and-or alien and-or robot-alien hybrid, or pretty much anything that sounds like the creepy part of a Goosebumps book.
G: GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS. You’re
probably not going to be very successful. You probably won’t get your dream job. Forget it, Jake — it’s Chinatown.
For those of you who might not be familiar with
the classic film Chinatown, first of all shame on you. Second of all, for the sake of the joke, you, the reader, are Jake. The ‘it’ is your dreams, and Chinatown is the...world? Society? Something abstract. That’s the part that’s supposed to make you think. Maybe there’s a little Chinatown inside us all.
This column could end on an uplifting note, and we could tell you to go out there and be the very best you can be, regardless of what it is you end up actually doing with your life. We could include a nod to the fact that there wasn’t really any adherence to the column’s motif.
Or the column could end with the reminder that in a few hundred thousand years the Earth will be inhospitable, and in a relatively short time afterward, when life starts anew, there will be some new life form analogous to you, waiting for a barely literate spider to text him back.