Doctor’s Orders is a weekly humor column in which Lauryl Fischer and Frankie Campisano, two unprofessional, untrained, non-medical definitely fake Doctors, offer up some prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
We’ve all heard about them.
Some of us have even been unfortunate enough to be innocent bystanders. You were just going about your business, maybe on your way to your class or to the mailroom, when you stumbled upon the unthinkable. No, it’s not your ears deceiving you. It’s what’s referred to in polite company as a Tall Tale-Telling Tour Guide, and in less-than polite company, a good old fashioned BS’er.
We didn’t dare ask anyone to step forward to tell us the shocking details of a T.T.T. Tour Guide, so instead we crafted this brief list of things we’ve heard passed around among students.
“Yeah, Brian Williams gives a speech every year to welcome the incoming freshmen.”
“You’ll eventually feel you understand what exactly it is ‘you know’ in the ‘EU! You know!’ orientation chant.”
“Elon is a very diverse campus.”
Victims of these lies have been seen shaking their heads in disbelief as they cower in the shadows. (They can be cured with gifts of chocolate. If it helps Harry Potter recover from a blow from a dementor, it’ll work for them.)
If you’re one of these Tall Tale-Telling Tour Guides, know that you can seek help. If you just take a long look in the mirror and mouth the word “Phoenix” long enough, you can rise from the ashes of your deceit. Rededicate yourself to truth and honesty. Honesty, of course, has won the Best Policy Award every year for the past hundred or so years.
Just start telling the truth. It’s exciting. It’s interesting. It’s marketable. People trust an honest face, and also it’s pretty easy to fact check this kind of stuff in the 21st century.
But just between you and us, generalized satirical patient and fake doctor confidentiality and all, if these outlandish campus claims are the result of coercion or brainwashing please don’t hesitate to let us know via smoke signal, or maybe carrier pidgeon.
Maybe the tour guides believe if they repeat something enough, it will bend the laws of reality, causing their lies to become truth. Improving Elon takes hard work, not tall tales.