Doctors' Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely-fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.

First of all, we’ve got to address this: Somebody left their cocaine outside the Moseley Center. (Check the crime blotter in last week’s Pendulum for details).

Get it together, Elon University. Apparently coke is even bigger than Pepsi on this campus.

Now onto our topic for the week: The Homecoming concert headliner is Andy Grammer, with The Summer Set opening. (They’re the lesser-known version of 5 Seconds of Summer, probably, and 5SOS is the lesser-known version of One Direction, so this is low.)

We don’t know whether it’s because of the presumably miniscule budget or decision-makers who don’t actually listen to music but instead imitate human function and walk among us (or, for the sake of argument, let’s say both), but that’s who we’re getting. And before playing at Elon’s homecoming Oct. 17, Andy Grammer will be playing at High Point University Sept. 26. Yes, we’re getting High Point’s leftovers. But, hey, at least there are five people excited about The Summer Set — the members of the band.

But it’s not like Elon has a history of great concerts. The police had to shut down B.o.B. because of noise complaints (just who did he think he was, having a loud concert that was heavily advertised and announced well in advance?), and Ludacris barely showed up for his performance last spring. Was Timeflies just a collective hallucination we all shared? Remember the Acorn cookie rap? If you don’t, you’re probably doing too much Pepsi.

Unfortunately, this is a very bad case of Elon epically failing in simple democracy. Now we have to worry about our intellectual climate, our social climate and our political climate. It’s all that coke in the air, contributing to Elon’s own version of global warming. The proverbial ice caps of the student mind are melting.

We mean, it’d be one thing if the student body voted for Andy Grammer and now we are left to reap what we sowed. We could understand if these dark horse “choices” were popular artists, but was anyone clamoring for this lineup? Were there some last-minute write-in ballots from Andy Grammer fanatics? Is there bribery afoot? Should we check Student Union Board (SUB) emails? Is this GrammerGate?

The answer to that question is definitely no, because nobody really cares that much. The response to the concert has been fairly muted, especially compared to years past.

To make matters worse, Andy Grammer was leaked by another on-campus news organization before SUB could make the formal announcement. So there’s been a whole lotta drama over the Homecoming concert. At least we’ve got a growing coke problem, right?