Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
With only a few more days of class left, we’re staring down the barrel of the end of the year. It’s days like these we realize time is fleeting. We are but fragile specimens dancing along the tenuous edge of the mortal coil.
There’s still time to do everything you’ve never dared to — like learn your professors’ names, learn your hallmates’ names or even brave the hike to Danieley and see if there’s really a Qdoba on campus. (Five bucks that’s an extravagant lie they’re telling to make Danieley more appealing.)
If you’re a senior, your situation probably feels pretty dire. You’re getting hit with a lot of vicious nostalgia, and you probably want to carpe some diems or something. We’re here to help you during these last, sacred days of the Best Time of Your Life (college). Remember, it goes downhill from here after you graduate.
First things first: you should write your own bucket list. Then you should throw it away, because our bucket list is infinitely better.
Step two: Take on the bucket list.
1. Construct a miniature version of Elon out of the bricks you stole. Remember the Elon tradition of stealing a brick? What you didn’t know is the real tradition involves stealing as many bricks as you can to construct a to-scale model of the college you so dearly love.
2. Get on first-name basis with President Leo Lambert. Then come up with nicknames for each other so you know it’s real. You’ll need to think of something top-notch, because LL Cool Prez doesn’t kick it with just any Elon student. You’ll need to brush up on your nomenclature skills if you want to make it onto Leo Lambo’s Very Important Phoenix list at Club Belk (2.5: Find this Club Belk you hear other students talking about. It’s supposed to be “The Move” during finals week).
3. Hold the door for a cute squirrel. You see them all over campus, outside the dining halls or in your classes if you can snag a window seat. Get to know your neighborhood squirrels. We hear their favorite place to get coffee is Acorn. Incidentally, let a squirrel hold the door for you, too. Chivalry isn’t dead, surely, but it also isn’t human-specific.
4. Read The Pendulum cover-to-cover. Forward it to your friends and relatives. Maybe direct them to your favorite article, maybe the funniest column?
5. Return your honor coin. You’re not
fooling anyone at this point.
6. Prepare yourself to take root. Plantage is imminent, so you’ll have to carefully pry up your current roots for parts unknown. It’s mathematically proven (we used a calculator, you don’t need to double check, don’t worry) that most people stay in the city they move to post-grad. So pick wisely. No takebacks, no do-overs, no relocating.
7. Volunteer for Safe Rides. It’s good to give back to the community. It’s a free, no-
holds-barred confessional with an unsuspecting slew of interesting and memorable
characters.You’ll want these valuable memories.
8. Do something spectacular to have an article written about you on E-Net. You’re not an Elon student if you’re not overachieving. If you haven’t been on E-Net already, you probably shouldn’t graduate at all. Haven’t you completed your five-plus internships yet? What clubs are you president of? Are you sleeping more than four hours a night? You shouldn’t be sleeping more than four hours a night.
9. Sleep more than four hours a night. But only if you’ve completed the rest of this list.
10. Find ways to make home more like Elon. Cut the grass twice a day. Install a fountain in front of every door. Or in every room. Wake up your family on Tuesdays with doughnuts and coffee (this one actually just makes you a nice person). If you’re looking for a real rush, hang out at the train station for a couple hours. You know what they say, “Home is where the railroad runs through your backyard.”
But don’t stop at just these 10 suggested goals. If you finish your bucket list, then go forth into the so-called “real” world. There’s nothing here for you any more. The student has become the master. Unless you’re going for your Master’s degree. In which case prepare to do the whole “school” thing yet again.