Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
Okay, so you’ve used some of that extra $12 million your parents had lying around and spent a semester abroad. Now that you’re more worldly and cultured than anyone else you know, you’ve got to take the biggest walk of shame of them all - coming back to boring, whitebread Elon. This will be harder than the Calc final you had to take freshman year.
Maybe you went to Europe or Asia for a taste of history and culture, maybe you traveled the seven seas or maybe you’re still trying to convince a judge to let you leave the country and so you signed up for StudyUSA. But now, as the jetlag-induced fog begins to clear, you’re noticing things you have never noticed before, like how that beer from Taphouse lacks the sophisticated notes of Berlin’s finest brew; or how the streetlamps along Elon’s walk way cannot measure up to the twinkling lights of Paris. You might also notice that Taphouse is gone and replaced by The Oak House. Try their coffee. Do not be alarmed if reverse culture shock wakes you in the middle of the night in a fevered sweat, your stomach turning as it craves Rome’s finest cuisine or recalls that one statue you saw once that you swear looks like your old RA.
We’re going to exercise our rights as non-medical unprofessionals to diagnose you with Post-Study Abroad Distress Syndrome. PSAD can be pretty serious for returning students, with symptoms including oversharing (“When I was in Copenhagen…”), overdressing (for those returning from Europe, your wardrobe consists entirely of black leather, and you look like a spy kid), travel snobbery and much more.
Students can overcome PSAD with the help of a 12-step program and the support of family and friends. The first step is a simple one: admit to yourself you have a problem. It is perfectly normal to miss your host family and the routine you established while abroad. We’re all here with you during this difficult time.
Step two: A higher power can help restore your sanity. That higher power are the Acorn carnival cookies. Have at least one a day; you’ll forget there’s anywhere else but Elon.
Steps three through eleven: We can’t really read our handwriting here, sorry. Improvise.
Step twelve: Acceptance. Start catching up with everyone and everything you’ve missed while away. Gas is like $2.50 now; crazy, right? Don’t question it lest you upset our diesel overlords. 2014 was a pretty good year for hackers and racists. The Colbert Report is over and so is our collective interest in Ebola.
When you’re back at Elon, you may notice campus has a lot more cameras than it used to - these are for your safety. Stop asking so many questions and do what they say.Plenty of offices have been relocated to new areas on campus. We’d give you the rundown but things will have probably changed by the time you read this column.