Every morning I awaken, and in the confusion between trying to turn an alarm off with an arm that fell asleep and wondering what day it is, I remember the war that is consuming my life.
The enemy is everywhere, and like Antoine “Bed Intruder” Dodson, I am on the constant lookout for it to climb into my bed.
The enemy is pollen.
And like Harry Potter, Katniss Everdeen and any other young adult novel hero not including dead-eyed Bella Swan, I am looking to vanquish my mortal enemy.
But unlike Harry Potter, I am without my support system and am calling on Elon students to apply for the positions of intelligent, and trustworthy female sidekick and useless, blubbering male best friend.
Without my sidekick Hermione Granger, how will I ever learn to finish homework and vanquish evil, all the while maintaining a healthy social life?
As for my Ron Weasley counterpart… well, Ron is pretty useless and abandoned his friend one too many times. I can’t have a friend of mine abandoning me when I reach stardom shortly into my post-college career. So I’ll just stick with Hermione for right now.
So why am I using The Last Word as a Craigslist want ad for a smart, bushy-haired female companion to help me win the war against pollen? In fact, why do I even need a partner in crime?
The answer is simple: desperation.
The Weather Channel has reported the pollen counts as “very high” in the last week, and with no respite coming, a man stricken with pollen allergies is wondering if he’ll make it through spring.
Perhaps I’m just weighed down by all the extra phlegm that has accumulated in my body. Or maybe the pollen has taken a Leonardo DiCaprio approach and incepted itself into my brain while I was sleeping.
Either way, the pollen is driving me, and the people around me who have to endure my constant sniffling, sneezing and whining, insane.
At a certain point, my skin and hair are going to be tinted yellow, and the only way I will be able to communicate is through sneezing.
Maybe I should just give up, never show up to class and stay in my apartment until rain falls for three days in a row, vanquishing my mortal enemy.
Then, I remember. In “Harry Potter” and “The Hunger Games” — but definitely not “Twilight” — I remember how the good slayed the evil: in one conclusive battle fought at the center of their universe.
So that’s why I’m asking you, Elon, to join me for a campus-wide rain dance sometime in the near future. It will be performed at the center of my universe: my Hogwarts, the Pendulum office.
Because I’m about as lazy as Ron Weasley, this won’t be done until a suitable Hermione Granger-type candidate applies to be my academic assistant.
For now, just wait and be prepared for my signal, which will most likely be a crazed-looking man dancing on top of the Elon Town Center in the middle of the day. Probably when potential new students are being recruited.
As for you, pollen, I will continue to fight against your tyranny for as long as I live, if only because you have stained any white flag I would have waved in defeat.