Doctors' Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely-fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
There’s an app for ordering appetizers, apps for making appointments, apps for renting apartments, apps for anything you can think of — and this year, that includes the career fair.
When’s the last time you heard someone refer to a “program?” Who needs brochures and booklets? No.
Elon University is stepping into the 21st century with this handy-dandy Job Expo app that will give you, the student, the ideal Job Expo Experience, which is what we’re all most concerned about.
When we heard they were rolling this out, we immediately thought, “Wait, is this going to be like Tinder — but for careers?”
Swipe right on the job of your choosing, left for all the losers. When you get a match, you get hired. Or you could just hook up for something more casual — an informational interview, maybe — and if it goes well, you could connect on LinkedIn. At the very least you can send a flirty message to break the ice.
That’s not actually what the app looks like at all because Elon didn’t call us to consult, but that’s OK — we’re holding out hope that you can still find your love-match even without Tinder technology, and that one day our freelance appistry will be recognized by the establishment.
Rejoice, ye Phoenixes, Elon’s finally moving in the right direction. As they say in most sci-fi dystopian movies: The future is now!
The Elon we know and tolerate will be completely different in five years. Professors could be replaced by robots. Students could be replaced by robots. And then the robots will inevitably be replaced by slightly better, slightly more aesthetically pleasing robots every September when Apple announces its updates for the year. And we’re all going to buy these robots even if they basically do the same thing and are out of our price range, because it’s Apple.
Either Google or Apple will straight up buy Elon in the next couple of years, as colleges across the country are streamlined into Corporate America. (Side note: we’re hoping Apple wins that bidding war. Elon’s always been pretty sleek, so it’s a better fit for the brand, honestly.)
And it all begins with this new app. It’s a brave new world, friends.
But even if things progress at a slightly less robopocalyptic pace, we’re on the cusp of another technological boom.
So, how are there still classes that don’t use Moodle to log course documents, assignments and due dates? Why is there an exasperated emphasis on overpriced, dust-collecting shelf ornaments, affectionately referred to in polite company as “textbooks?” The Internet provides access to better, cheaper resources
that can better accommodate visual learners and even remove the hassle of droning lectures.
It’s getting harder and harder to accept these stone-age stalwarts instead of their space-age Star Wars counterparts. And at this point, you have to get with the times!
Even if you’re a neo-luddite for aesthetic reasons, you’ll never get a job at the job fair if you’re acting like having a flip phone is so cool.
We don’t actually know how you function at all with a flip phone. If you use a flip phone, reach out to us and we will try to crowdfund you a cellphone from this decade.
It’s time to upgrade.