Doctor’s Orders is a weekly humor column in which Lauryl Fischer and Frankie Campisano, two unprofessional, untrained, non-medical definitely fake Doctors, offer up some prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
In the distance, you can see it, as it rises from the morning mists: the Admissions Palace. It’s Elon University’s newest, shiniest jewel. It’s an architectural achievement, complete with a clock tower with no clock. It’s so perfect it looks computer-generated — hey, maybe it is computer-generated, a carefully designed mirage to dazzle prospective students and parents.
We love this new, extravagant building. We love the design — we love the $100-or so million poured into it, and we love the new green fields in front of it, perfect for frolicking or basking in the sun.
But we miss our parking lot, Elon.
Across campus, another parking lot clings to the last of its days. Soon, the McEwen parking lot will crumble underneath the weight of the new Communications Castle, which is sure to be a juggernaut of even more brick.
We’re excited about that building too, if only because we can binge watch House of Cards in the spacious theater. At one point, plans for the new building included a “communications-themed eatery” which we can only assume means a television monitor slapped next to a vending machine.
But what will become of that beautiful, immaculate parking lot?
Elon, we don’t want to harp on you. We know you’ve heard this criticism before. But this is an intervention. You have an addiction to brick and mortar.
Like most addicts, Elon’s first response is probably, “We can quit any time we want.” That’s right, you can. Just put down the bulldozers, and let’s talk about this. There has been too much construction. Too much pain.
We have an honorable solution — just walk away. Hand over your bricks, your hard hats, your cranes. Just walk away from it all.
If Elon just can’t bear it and wants to scratch that itch with more building, might we suggest some more, ah, constructive ideas? How about a recreational arcade, with a spacious parking lot? Or a drive-in movie theater for the Student Union Board? It could even double as a parking lot. Heck, build a parking lot for the Enterprise Rental Cars to collect dust in.
Look, Elon, you can pave paradise if you’ll put up a parking lot. Or four.
In the meantime, as you build to your heart’s content, use this opportunity to provide more on-campus job opportunities. Many Elon students have volunteered with Habitat for Humanity. Let’s see how handy they are with a hammer. Suit up the next Phi Beta Kappa inductees in an orange construction vests and helmets, and send them on their way. Pay them what you pay the rest of the construction workers. Have them work odd hours — rain or shine. It’ll all be worth it once we have that Communications Castle.