Doctors’ Orders: In memory of squirrels past
Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
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Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients. We all wanna’ ball as hard as Jay-Z. Ball is life, so life is hard. Sometimes, we question major decisions we’ve made or need to make, like what our major is going to be or whether to graduate early. Other times, we fail to adhere to ethical journalistic standards in our work, and our careers and credibility are called into question. Sometimes it’s just an accident — you embellish a war story one time on national television, and suddenly you’ve got to stick to that version of events and pray nobody fact checks you. It’s not lying if you don’t get caught, right? Wrong. When these kinds of things happen, life calls for us to take a break — maybe a six-month break at the insistence of your corporate overlords. Students call this a gap semester. If any of the above rings a bell, or you happen to be a famous millionaire on Elon University’s School of Communications Advisory Board, then this column is for you. You’ve got a lot of free time on your hands now, and sure, you’ve got enough money to disappear forever and live better than 99 percent of the planet, but maybe you love the limelight and want to restore your honor like a real-life Prince Zuko. We can respect that. First, take a deep breath. Listen to the wisest voices of the pop culture bible. It is written in the Book of Miley Cyrus that nobody’s perfect. Believe her. Just never make that mistake again. And it might help if you disclose every time something like this has happened while the ball is in your court. You don’t want to keep telling the story about bodies floating past your hotel if the story is tantamount to fanfiction. You’ve got to be 100 percent honest from now on. If you so much as tweet about what you had for breakfast, there better be a matching Instagram post with proof. Maybe even timestamp the picture so we can be sure it wasn’t a meal someone else had an hour before you even sat down to eat. If you’ve got a halfway decent voice, you might want to take the Usher approach and confess your sins over some smooth R&B. If you can parlay this media attention into a Saturday Night Live hosting gig, might we suggest a play on Richard Nixon’s “I Am Not a Crook” for your opening monologue? Lorne Michaels probably won’t let you anywhere near the Weekend Update desk though — that’s for the best. If you did repeat your mistakes — say, by releasing a statement apologizing for your lie and then omitting key details of the truth in that same statement — well, you could have handled that better. If honesty’s just not your thing, Fox News is still putting literally anyone on the air, and it’s not like they’ve ever cared much about journalistic integrity anyway.
Doctor’s Orders is a weekly humor column in which Lauryl Fischer and Frankie Campisano, two unprofessional, untrained, non-medical definitely fake Doctors, offer up some prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
Doctor’s Orders is a weekly humor column in which Lauryl Fischer and Frankie Campisano, two unprofessional, untrained, non-medical definitely fake Doctors, offer up some prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.
Doctor’s Orders is a weekly humor column in which Lauryl Fischer and Frankie Campisano, two unprofessional, untrained, non-medical definitely fake Doctors, offer up some prescriptions for their Phoenix patients. In the distance, you can see it, as it rises from the morning mists: the Admissions Palace. It’s Elon University’s newest, shiniest jewel. It’s an architectural achievement, complete with a clock tower with no clock. It’s so perfect it looks computer-generated — hey, maybe it is computer-generated, a carefully designed mirage to dazzle prospective students and parents. We love this new, extravagant building. We love the design — we love the $100-or so million poured into it, and we love the new green fields in front of it, perfect for frolicking or basking in the sun. But we miss our parking lot, Elon. Across campus, another parking lot clings to the last of its days. Soon, the McEwen parking lot will crumble underneath the weight of the new Communications Castle, which is sure to be a juggernaut of even more brick. We’re excited about that building too, if only because we can binge watch House of Cards in the spacious theater. At one point, plans for the new building included a “communications-themed eatery” which we can only assume means a television monitor slapped next to a vending machine. But what will become of that beautiful, immaculate parking lot? Elon, we don’t want to harp on you. We know you’ve heard this criticism before. But this is an intervention. You have an addiction to brick and mortar. Like most addicts, Elon’s first response is probably, “We can quit any time we want.” That’s right, you can. Just put down the bulldozers, and let’s talk about this. There has been too much construction. Too much pain. We have an honorable solution — just walk away. Hand over your bricks, your hard hats, your cranes. Just walk away from it all. If Elon just can’t bear it and wants to scratch that itch with more building, might we suggest some more, ah, constructive ideas? How about a recreational arcade, with a spacious parking lot? Or a drive-in movie theater for the Student Union Board? It could even double as a parking lot. Heck, build a parking lot for the Enterprise Rental Cars to collect dust in. Look, Elon, you can pave paradise if you’ll put up a parking lot. Or four. In the meantime, as you build to your heart’s content, use this opportunity to provide more on-campus job opportunities. Many Elon students have volunteered with Habitat for Humanity. Let’s see how handy they are with a hammer. Suit up the next Phi Beta Kappa inductees in an orange construction vests and helmets, and send them on their way. Pay them what you pay the rest of the construction workers. Have them work odd hours — rain or shine. It’ll all be worth it once we have that Communications Castle.
Wes Anderson makes great films, and he’s one of the few modern auteurs who have managed to create better films almost every time they step up to bat. The Grand Budapest Hotel doesn’t feature any bats (unlike Batman Begins or any of the other Batman films, which include plenty of bats and plenty of men), but it does feature a lot of jokes, making it a great film for people who like to laugh while also taking in incredible set design and cinematic aesthetics.
Filmed in chunks over a twelve-year period, Richard Linklater’s Boyhood captures what it was like to grow up as a middle class suburban white boy in the 2000s. As a middle class suburban white boy who was born in the early 1990s and grew up in the 2000s, I’m one of the rare few who might be overqualified to review this film. Full disclosure: unlike Richard Linklater or Boyhood’s protagonist Mason, I didn’t grow up in Texas, so results may vary.
It’s the movie some people are saying things about. American Sniper is either really great war propaganda or really terrible war propaganda. It’s directed by Clint Eastwood (cue groans) but starring Bradley Cooper (cue cheers) as Chris Kyle, the deadliest sniper in American history. You might want to get some oven mitts, because this review’s one hot take.
It was a Saturday night. I was (finally) sitting down to watch Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) — the auteuristic brainchild of Alejandro González Iñárritu. The film had a wide release last October but was still hard to track down in North Carolina theaters. So by the time the film had finished downloading, I was admittedly hyped based on all the great reviews and Oscar buzz the film had.
Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients. Okay, so you’ve used some of that extra $12 million your parents had lying around and spent a semester abroad. Now that you’re more worldly and cultured than anyone else you know, you’ve got to take the biggest walk of shame of them all - coming back to boring, whitebread Elon. This will be harder than the Calc final you had to take freshman year. Maybe you went to Europe or Asia for a taste of history and culture, maybe you traveled the seven seas or maybe you’re still trying to convince a judge to let you leave the country and so you signed up for StudyUSA. But now, as the jetlag-induced fog begins to clear, you’re noticing things you have never noticed before, like how that beer from Taphouse lacks the sophisticated notes of Berlin’s finest brew; or how the streetlamps along Elon’s walk way cannot measure up to the twinkling lights of Paris. You might also notice that Taphouse is gone and replaced by The Oak House. Try their coffee. Do not be alarmed if reverse culture shock wakes you in the middle of the night in a fevered sweat, your stomach turning as it craves Rome’s finest cuisine or recalls that one statue you saw once that you swear looks like your old RA. We’re going to exercise our rights as non-medical unprofessionals to diagnose you with Post-Study Abroad Distress Syndrome. PSAD can be pretty serious for returning students, with symptoms including oversharing (“When I was in Copenhagen…”), overdressing (for those returning from Europe, your wardrobe consists entirely of black leather, and you look like a spy kid), travel snobbery and much more. Students can overcome PSAD with the help of a 12-step program and the support of family and friends. The first step is a simple one: admit to yourself you have a problem. It is perfectly normal to miss your host family and the routine you established while abroad. We’re all here with you during this difficult time. Step two: A higher power can help restore your sanity. That higher power are the Acorn carnival cookies. Have at least one a day; you’ll forget there’s anywhere else but Elon. Steps three through eleven: We can’t really read our handwriting here, sorry. Improvise. Step twelve: Acceptance. Start catching up with everyone and everything you’ve missed while away. Gas is like $2.50 now; crazy, right? Don’t question it lest you upset our diesel overlords. 2014 was a pretty good year for hackers and racists. The Colbert Report is over and so is our collective interest in Ebola. When you’re back at Elon, you may notice campus has a lot more cameras than it used to - these are for your safety. Stop asking so many questions and do what they say.Plenty of offices have been relocated to new areas on campus. We’d give you the rundown but things will have probably changed by the time you read this column.
Boston’s Long Lost is a band that will fly under the radar of many outside the band’s respective music scene. The group formed as a side project started by Joe Boynton, vocalist for the rising pop-punk group Transit, and members of the Massachusetts hardcore band Aviator. The result is an indie pop sound that is familiar but welcoming, so long as the songwriting is up to snuff. Unfortunately for Long Lost, it’s the songwriting on their latest album, "Save Yourself, Start Again," where the group hits a snag.
Every college town has its staple activities, and by the time the second semester rolls around, these scheduled novelties are wearing thin. If you’re going to the same parties every weekend and considering the local shopping centers to be “a night on the town,” you may be resigned to the thought that you’ve done everything there is to do in the local area. Never fear: We’ve compiled 10 lesser-known locations in and around Burlington to breathe life into your old routine.
On Feb. 10th, millions of viewers tuned in to CBS at 8 p.m. to watch the 55th Grammy Awards. The live award ceremony ran until 11:30 p.m., and celebrities from across the entertainment industry showed up to walk the red carpet outside the Staples Center in Los Angeles.