Doctors' Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely-fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.

Halloween is dead. The pumpkin spice latte has disappeared into the night from whence it came once again, and peppermint rains down from the wintry heavens.

Yes — longer lives Christmas, which starts creeping up on us in stores before Halloween even has a chance to scare anyone (and don’t even mention Thanksgiving, whose caricatures of pilgrims and Native Americans are looking an awful lot like Columbus-style racism these days.) Happy holidays, Elon University!

With the season of rampant consumerism disguised as giving comes the season of registration. Think of it as a present for all of you good little children — registration for all, from the higher Elon powers that be. While we’ve not quite switched to full-on “Hunger Games”- or “Game of Thrones”-style registration, it’s still a cutthroat world out there. And it’s no game.

Maybe you’ll get lucky, and the classes you want to take will actually be offered next semester. Maybe lightning will strike twice, and you’ll be able to snag a spot. If you’re an underclassmen, registration is a crapshoot, and you’d better be ready to compromise for those of us on our way out the door (we’re talking graduation, not the big dining hall in the sky).

You might think it’s unfair that these things are done based on seniority or credits, but hey. This is America. More accurately, this is Elon.

If you wanted something better than slim pickings, then next time take a full 18 credits. Heck, take more. If you haven’t learned that that’s the Elon way, then catch up, kid —  it’s nearly the end of the semester.

Taking a left turn with absolutely no warning aside from that previous clause, congratulations to the entire Pendulum staff for winning a Pacemaker. We hear it’s a pretty big deal. And technically, we won, too. We’re now Pacemaker-winning columnists, technically. We’re not sure what that means, exactly, but it definitely gets our hearts racing.

Taking another left turn —  those new Snapchat Terms & Conditions are awfully invasive. Not that they weren’t one of the sketchier apps on the block to begin with. Eh, no one’s going to do anything about it. In fact, forget we said anything. Untake this left turn.

Good luck with registration, folks. If you’re sticking around for Winter Term, take something fun, especially if it will fulfill a requirement. If you’re taking Winter Term off, do you have another spare $12,000? We’ve got loans we ought to start paying off.


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