Growing up in a house where self-expression is taken very seriously has been a blessing in my life. My parents never really stopped me from expressing myself via clothes and makeup, which I thank them for today.
My first dive into makeup came in seventh grade, when my mom kindly bought me Clinique Oil-Free Foundation to cover my pubescent acne-prone skin. Amazed at the difference just a bit of makeup could make to my skin, I decided to delve deeper into the world of beauty.
I was a braceface until midway through my freshman year of high school, so any type of lipcolor was off the table for me. (Quick side story: My braces removal was only a few days before a big family photoshoot and a full month before my twin sister got her braces off. I remember it as one of the best days of my life, she remembers it as one of the worst).
The mix of excessive loose spit and constantly chapped lips was too much to bear, which is why I swore off any type of lip makeup until my teeth were freed from their jail cell. So, from seventh grade to freshman year and beyond, eye makeup was my thing.
I would save up my allowance to visit CVS or Sephora and go nuts. Now comes the part where I’m sure my kind, wonderful parents tried so hard to hold their tongues when it came to my beauty decisions.
I never really went through the raccoon eyes phase. I more just jumped into the “well ... she’s certainly creative” phase.
My first ever makeup look was actually rather tasteful for a 13-year-old. I bought Clinique Cream Shaper for Eyes (which I still really like!) in a navy blue color that no longer exists (#RIP). I shakily applied it to my waterline, and bam. That was it. Oh, to be young.
I did that for a few months, then read in Seventeen or Teen Vogue that brown liner looked more natural and would enhance my blue eyes. By summer I was rocking an all-around brown liner look. I had improved at applying liner to my waterline and was making a great effort at applying it to my upper lash line. I would then apply some mascara, and that was my 13-year-old beauty routine.
By eighth grade I had gained enough confidence to really let my freak flag fly. I was one of the big kids at school now, and I was ready to get crazy with my makeup.
I can’t remember if I read about this in a magazine or just decided it on my own, but colored eyeliner was the name of my eighth grade beauty game.
I would first apply one of the eye shadows from this Almay eyeshadow trio (the copper/brown color was my favorite). Next I would either use a cobalt, emerald or purple eyeliner to line my upper lash line. All three eyeliners were Sephora brands and all three eyeliners have been discontinued for years. I feel slightly responsible for tarnishing the good name of those products.
Eighth grade was also the year I found out about highlighting the inner corner. Unlike a good beauty girl, I did not use a nice glowy eyeshadow or highlighter. Rather, I used a pink pearlescent Sephora eyeliner (also discontinued, I’m cursed) that would ball up and look like sleep in my eyes by lunch time. Funny enough, I actually still own this eyeliner. My sister begs me to throw it away, but for some reason I insist on never getting rid of it.
My summer into freshman year of high school was an extremely formative few months for many reasons. One of those being that all of my classmates were getting their braces off. Instead of being surrounded by a sea of fellow metal mouths, I was part of a dying breed who still needed to make sure food didn’t get stuck in their brackets after lunch.
This was probably the first time in my life I really thought or cared about looks in accordance to other people and their opinions. All my classmates looked so good with their perfectly straight, pearly white teeth, while I was still cursed with an overbite and a wonky front tooth. I wanted to get rid of my dental encumbrance more than anything in the world. So, I decided while I was still a part of the metal mouth community, I would try anything to distract from my teeth.
Freshman year welcomed in my era of mix-and-match eyeliner. I read about it on some makeup blog or website and was convinced this was going to be my look. I would line the inside half of my upper lash line with a lighter color (pearly pink or light purple) then finish off the outer half with a darker color (green, blue, darker purple). My waterline would be consistently colored navy blue, and my inner corner was host to a number of pearlescent shades (purples and pinks being my favorite).
To reiterate my horrible curse, every eyeliner I used during this period of my life has been discontinued (except for the Clinique one, although the color I used no longer exists). I think this says a lot about my taste as a newly officiated teenager. (The links in this article are the closest colors and formulas I could find to what I really used.)
Getting my braces off was an outstandingly developmental moment in my life. I was so proud of my new smile that I wanted all of the attention to be on my freshly liberated teeth. Sparked by my braces-less face and changing style in general, my eye makeup gradually toned down as I embraced more neutral beauty looks.
Looking back on my first semester of high school, I didn’t wear my vibrant eyeliner for the same reasons I did in middle school. Rather than wearing colorful makeup for fun, I was wearing it to distract from my dental hardware, which was my biggest insecurity at the time. Although I still found beauty exciting, I was utilizing it more as a security blanket instead of an avenue to express myself.
My braces were only the first of many things I tried to distract from or hide with makeup. Being young and insecure, I wanted more than anything to be considered “hot” by the 14-year-old boys in my grade. I was using cosmetics to hide and change who I was.
Thankfully, as I grow up I’m learning how to have a more fulfilling relationship with makeup and myself. But I still think back on my colorful eye makeup days fondly.
Makeup was and has been an extremely fulfilling outlet in my life. As I’ve grown up, cosmetics have taught me how to work with my flaws rather than against them. I’ve grown into a person who uses beauty products because they’re fun and interesting to me, not because I think I need them to be “beautiful.”
In retrospect, I admire the middle school version of myself. A version of myself who wore wild eye makeup because she wanted to, because she thought it was cool and funky and it was authentically me at the time. Although I don’t think I’m quite secure enough now to try such a colorful eye look, I’d like to think middle-school-Madison’s blind confidence will return one day.