Doctors' Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely-fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their Phoenix patients.

Of all the holidays (even the ones that only exist on Facebook and Twitter — looking at you, National Step in Gum Day), Halloween has a special place in a Millennial kid’s heart because it calls for nothing short of anarchy in the week leading up to The Big Night.

It’s the kind of anarchy that society not only accepts but also encourages because it’s all temporary. It’s our Hallmark version of “The Purge,” from the movie “The Purge,” or more recently, the “Rick and Morty” episode about “The Purge.”

You wanna watch Disney Channel Original movies even though you’re over the allotted age? Wanna stuff as much candy in your mouth as possible, despite the sugar headache and potential chance of puking? Wanna dress provocatively and for once in your life not worry about slut shaming because for some reason, on this hallowed night of all nights, it’s suddenly and without question acceptable? Wanna appropriate cultures and races? Wanna imbibe dangerous amounts of alcohol? Wanna wear a Scooby-Doo suit to class? Sure. Who’s stopping you? No consequences. No questions. Like an episode of “Whose Line Is It Anyway,” everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.

But maybe they should.

We’ve compiled a list of do’s and don’ts this Halloween so you can be a Hallowinner and not a Halloweenie. (That joke was terrible. It’s also the perfect way to kick off our list.)

DO create punderful costumes. What’s spookier than a masterful pun turned into a costume for the big day? The more memetastic, the better. And if you can incorporate clever pop culture references into your costume, then that’s the best. Your friends will “ooh” and “ah” and groan in your direction, but you’ll know that you’re the smartest cookie of all. There, turn that one into a costume. You’re welcome.

DON’T appropriate cultures and races. Cultures are not costumes. You’ve probably been something racist or problematic for Halloween before. So don’t do it again, or you could end up on a Buzzfeed listicle or in a Facebook comment argument on the pictures of you looking all racist. And frankly, you will deserve the special hell that is a Facebook comment argument. So be respectful or go home.

DO dress as scary or as sexy as you choose. You are the master of your own destiny. If you want to scare small children, that’s your prerogative. If you want to be as far away from children as possible with a costume that would make even a nudist blush, you do you. It’s your holiday to celebrate in whatever fashion you’d like.

DON’T double-dip. While there are legends of Halloween Heroes who could pull off the Extra Scary, Extra Sexy double-dip, chances are a combination of the two ideologies will flop. This isn’t Hannah Montana, and if you try and get the Best of Both Worlds, you’ll end up like Miley Cyrus circa 2015 (in case you’re wondering, we’d put this recent reincarnation of her in the scary category). All your Sexy Freddy Krueger costume is doing is making your friends uncomfortable. You should have just been the fourth Ninja Turtle like they’d asked. It made sense.

DO take a sh**ton of selfies. Whether you’re a sexy minion or a scary one, you’ll want to remember your Halloween later (especially if you’re detoxing the day after because of a, ahem, “sugar coma” — see below) when you’re reminiscing on the good ol’ years. Also, while we’ve got your ear, the appropriate etiquette for interacting with someone wearing the same costume as you is to take a selfie together. Own it, 30 or 40 Donald Trumps.

DON’T slut shame. Corporate America pressures girls to be sexy during this holiday, so it’s really not fair if you turn around and make terrible comments about a woman’s character behind her back. LET HER LIVE HER LIFE. If we catch you slut shaming anyone, ever, we’ll teach you a lesson. And on Halloween that’s extra scary, just because.

DO eat lots of candy. Everyone knows that on Halloween week, calories don’t even count. All that candy you’re vacuuming into your gullet is a tax write-off, too. Go for broke. It’s a long three weeks until Thanksgiving, and you’ll need to stockpile for the hibernation that awaits. That’s why bears (Ursa major) started the celebration of Halloween in the early 1600s.

DON’T fall into a sugar coma. We know how tempting it is to binge on candy. You’ll probably play candy-eating games with your friends. Maybe some Candy Pong or Candy Cup or even Candyland. Just remember, eat candy responsibly and call Safe Rides before you leave for that sweet party at Wonka’s House.

Have a safe Halloween, probably.


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