Doctor's Orders is a weekly satirical column in which two unprofessional, definitely fake doctors offer up prescriptions for their phoenix patients.
When The Pendulum decided to do an issue on health and wellness, naturally we medical un-professionals got excited. Finally, a call for our expertise. We fully prepared ourselves to receive calls from the staff, asking for our opinions and seeking our advice. And yet — nothing. So no surprise when we saw how outdated most of these articles were. With all due respect to this beautiful issue the staff compiled, you can ignore what you read in these pages, except for our column. We’re bringing you everything you need to know about the health concerns of today’s youth. And we’re doing it in a nifty top 10 list.
1. Netflix binging: Here’s how to tell if you’ve binged: Are there potato chip crumbs in your belly button? Is that a Zebra Cake you’re sitting on? Do you remember the name for the powerhouse of the cell? (Mitochondria.) If you answered yes, yes and no — then close your laptop and go outside. It still exists. (And yes, you can read that as an “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” reference.)
2. When you haven’t seen a dog in person in more than 24 hours: We deem this “puppy withdrawal,” and the best thing you can do is find a dog immediately. Pet it. Pet it and compliment it on its life choices.
3. Waking up for an 8 a.m.: This is so real. Why, after all the scientific studies conducted, do we still have class this early? Rise up, Elon. Let’s peacefully protest this atrocity, with punny posters and kumbaya sit-ins, while we all wear pajamas.
4. All your parents’ favorite celebrities are dying: You do not know who most of these people are, but you keep seeing articles about their untimely passing on your parents’ Facebook feeds. Be prepared — sadness, after all, is very contagious.
5. Your boo won’t text you back: (Probably because you’re still using “boo” when the rest of the world has moved to “bae”) Text them incessantly. Text them entire sonnets in iambic pentameter. It’s what Shakespeare would do if he were a millennial.
6. Your ears reject garbage music quality: This is only on the list because we needed it to add up to 10 items. You know when you want to watch a YouTube video in glorious 1080p HD, and it can only load 240p, and you want to just gouge out your eyes? This is the same thing but for sound.
Once you go FLAC, you never go back. iTunes doesn’t accept FLAC audio files, as you audiophiles already know. You can survive off 320kbps mp3 files, but if you’re listening to Apple’s 256kbps files from the iTunes store or even a 128kbps mp3 ripped from YouTube, do your ears a favor and upgrade. It will change your life and, more importantly, the way you listen to music.
7. When your homies don’t get your pop culture references: This can lead to a sense of alienation from your peers. The best thing to do when you’re left hang-
ing is laugh at your own references. Give yourself a knee slap.
8. Microaggression — Racism edition: We could call this a case of foot in mouth syndrome, but that would be microaggressive of us, and we want to be very aggressive with the treatment of this particular affliction because it’s a doozy. We suggest Googling what microaggression is and going from there. We’ll only judge you if you don’t.
9. Existential crises over Buzzfeed quiz results: In a quiz titled “What 90s sitcom are you?” Buzzfeed said you were “Full House” when you know you’re more “Fresh Prince of Bell Air”, and now you’re spiraling out of control. You’re staring into the abyss. You’re reading Albert Camus’ “The Stranger.” What are you going to do? Philosophers have been asking that for centuries, so how the heck are we supposed to provide you with any advice? Take the Buzzfeed quiz again.
10. You’re still reading newspapers: Don’t you know that you can have your news digitally transmitted to the computer you carry around in your pocket? Unless you’re reading this online, in which case you’re still kind of 90s’, but that’s cool with us.